Biopsy again

Got the results from my third biopsy in three years. Benign. Scar tissue. The anxiety of it is overwhelming at times. The things we do to survive.

From Milgram to Malpractice

I endured a deposition on Friday. I was asked personal and intimate questions about my family and medical records. The experience was humiliating and hurtful. I was attacked for allowing myself to be the victim. And I wondered why I pursue this lawsuit. I pursue it because it is the right thing to do. If those that inflict pain and suffering are not held accountable, they will not learn from it.

Stanley Milgram conducted experiments in the 1960s on obedience. These experiments were a window into the capability of ordinary American men living decent lives to inflict unbelievable pain and cruelty – enough to result in the death of another human being. These men were told to inflict painful shocks on others to help them learn. The shocks started at 15 volts and increased by 15 volts each time the so-called learner got an answer wrong. There actually were no learners, but the participants did not know that. They believed they were inflicting the shocks. 26 out of 40 participants administered the highest level of shock. Every participant went to 300 volts. 5 stopped at 300 volts which was when the learner started pounding the walls and yelling in pain. The interpretation of this has been that when the pain of the victim becomes unambiguous, the chances improve that the perpetrator will refuse to continue (Packer, 2008). The rights of the victim are respected and they are no longer dehumanized.

In subsequent replications of Milgram’s work and follow-up interviews, Burger (2008) found that those administering the shock will stop if they feel accountable for their actions. If they feel that someone else is responsible, they would continue.

My breast cancer story is at: http://ihavebreastcancer.blogspot.com/

Hello Again

It's been almost 2 years since my last post. That sounds like I'm saying confession. I have been so busy. I'm trying to cram my life into this tiny space of time left. Priorities change when your life expectancy changes from 80 something to 50 something.

It's been 3 years since my diagnosis. Every check up is a new challenge. My last mammogram showed a suspicious lesion near the scar. An u/s was inconclusive. Monday I will have another biopsy. That will be my third in just over 3 years. I'm not taking this very well. I just feel overwhelmed when I think of what this may mean. Please send me good thoughts. It's so hard not to worry. My children still need me.

August already?

I am seriously behind in my posts. I have just been so busy! I am in the middle of teaching 2 workshops online and start a new job on Aug 14. I still have my super healthy diet and walk/run over 6 miles a day. I am just doing the best I can.

I defended my prospectus a week ago. What an experience that was!

Background: J was my former advisor. She is a witch. I had worked long hours on her grant and when it came to finish up the work (2 research studies) she told me that I would share author credit with the other grad student (we would alternate second and third author). The other grad student had done no work on either of these studies, but she was incredibly obsequious. I told J that I did not think it was fair. First, J said that I didn't really know what was going on in the lab. I reminded her that if anyone knew, it was me. I spent 10 hours a day in the lab, 7 days a week. Then she came back with it was her grant, she could do as she liked. True. I could not argue with that. I also could just walk away. Which I did. I know it meant losing 2 years work, but I was not prepared to accept this on her terms.

Anyhow, I had to keep her as a co-advisor, but she was now second. During my defense, I mentioned some of the research I had done in J's lab and I caught her glance. She was absolutely furious. She has been unable to write up the experiments because she really does not know what happened. I am the only one. I did not give her my protocols and I refused to invest any more time in her studies. I keep wondering what she was expecting me to do. Clearly, she could not do this without me, but she didn't need the other grad at all. I guess she never believed I would walk away. But sometimes, you have to cut your losses and that was one of them. No regrets.

Wednesday

B - muesli and OJ, S - baby carrots and fruit, L- salad and refried beans and veggie juice - S - fruit; D - tilapia and veggies.

Grains =2, Fruit = 10, Veggies= 10, fish= 1/2, soy=1, dairy=2, beans =1 1/2. Walked/ran 5.53 miles. S&S 1/2 hour.

Quilted. Dissertation. I don't think my advisor gets statistics. We have a miscomunication anyway. She wants it to be good, I want it to be done.

Tuesday

Yesterday: muesli for b/fast with oj, fruit and carrots for snack, salad with few walnuts and strawberry spread (no sugar) on ancient grain bread and veggie juice for lunch, fruit for snack, rice and veggies for dinner with oranges for dessert. Total: 4 green tea, 4 grains, 2 dairy, 1 soy, 8 fruit, 11 veggie, 1 nuts.

Yoga and strengthening 30 minutes, crunches and bicyles. Walked 6.21 miles.

Quilted 45 minutes while watching Germs, Guns and Steel with daughter. Worked on dissertation - hours+++. Walked to quilt shop by the park. Added to stash. Eeek.

Lifestyle

A group of friends are dieting and sharing their diets online. I have no need to lose weight, but sometimes I forget to note what I'm eating and how much I'm exercising, so here goes...

Yesterday: Breakfast: muesli (home made) and oj
Snack: apple, nectarine, baby carrots
Lunch: salmon, rice and mixed veggies and veggie juice
Snack: Apple and nectarine
Dinner: Ancient grain bread, mixed beans, salad and cherries.

Total
3 green tea
5 grains
12 fruit
8 veggie
1 soy
2 dairy
1 1/2 fish
1 beans

Walked 5.74 miles
1/2 hr yoga and stretch
100 bicycles
20 crunches.

2 hours on dissertation
No quilting or anything creative :-(
Heavy chore day!